This Is My 20%

I know that I blogged about this before, but it is a process that continues to unfold. I am trying to decide whether or not to continue in my current program, or make a big change. The path is gently sloping toward a peace and justice focus, but that is a new and curious world. I've narrowed down the decision to this - I am I peace-y, or justice-y? This question is much harder to answer than it appears.


And so. Twenty percent project. It has presented itself, essentially, as a tool for me to explore where I am being led to learn and work in this third act of my life. This is not intended to sound melodramatic; it is a simple fact. What comes next, who I choose to develop into is most likely going to be my definition of self as an an empty nest, post middle aged woman possessed of some intelligence and wit and a calling to be of service in an evolving world. Listening to this TED talk reinforced for me that I am ripe for a more global service experience. It also seemed to be a positive sign that one of the stories was about Cambodian women - interesting since my time there has heavily impacted this whole thought process. http://www.ted.com/talks/jacqueline_novogratz_inspiring_a_life_of_immersion.html


This tedious navel-gazing is being spurred on by the approach of spring registration (practical!) and the myriad feelings being raised by my return to school (emotional). The experience is all I thought it would be, and not at all what I expected. Contradictions galore. Decisions await.


Hence - the questions:


What does peace look like? What does justice look like? Which one looks like me?

http://www.ted.com/talks/jacqueline_novogratz_inspiring_a_life_of_immersion.html

Chapter 5 (in Which Our Heroine Faces a Fork in the Road)

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it." 
~ Buddha

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." 
~ Henry Thoreau

     This week's assignment: use 20% of your study time to learn something new. This is based on  Google's practice of encouraging employees to spend 20% of their work time exploring new ideas. Another recent assignment was to write about something we are passionate about. While trying to decide on the former and write about the latter I felt the two assignments merging.  The harder I tried to separate my search for the new elusive something, from this idea of elaborating on my passion, the more clearly I understand that the 20% is the defining of my passion.

     I love quotes - I always have. I keep a journal that contains no writing of my own, just the quotes of others. The two that I have listed above seem to be speaking to me pretty clearly these days, although I have been remarkably dimwitted in realizing that. I place no blame on the authors for lacking clarity, the fault lies entirely in my unwillingness to hear them.

     My first go-round at earning an advanced degree was almost twenty years ago. I possessed absolute certainty that I would spend my life fulfilled by the profession of teaching. Well, time has gone by, and while I love it - really love it - I recognize the seed of desire for something new...something other. Several times this week I have sat down at the computer ready to pursue a new interest, master some eclectic skill that would make for excellent party conversation and consume the allotted time, plus, meet my class requirement. I've sat still, fingers poised over the keyboard, waiting to be led towards the Google search that will lead to an exciting new hobby or skill. Something else has occurred. I find myself searching for information on different graduate programs. Repeatedly. 

     Last year, I repeated the words of Thoreau like a mantra; especially while filling out my application to USD. Go confidently. Confidently. Confidently. And I did. I was thrilled to receive an acceptance letter, absolutely confident that this degree was what I wanted. I am now several months in, and making a scary discovery. That was an old dream. It was the dream of an excited, untested, freshly minted teacher. It was the life I had imagined twenty years ago. I am beginning to see that the "something that I had just been squinting at in the distance, something shiny and fresh with possibilities"(to quote myself!), is, indeed something so fresh and new that it is still a bit elusive, testing me to see if I'll tease out a final new goal. If I'll "discover my world", to paraphrase Buddha.

     A few things have been discovered thus far:

• I love being in school again
• I want to learn
• I am capable of doing good things in a big world

These discoveries are shaping a new dream. They confirm that returning to school was the right choice. Now I just need to ferret out the details - hopefully before registration begins for next semester! I am existing in a space between Buddha and Thoreau - I am setting out to discover my world, confidently find my place there, and give it my whole heart. Certainly, that will be an excellent use of my twenty percent.

     I am definitely looking for feedback - if any of you care to comment who have switched away from their original intent, or entertained this thought and rejected it...what do you say?

addendum: having looked at some posts from the rest of my talented class, I am ready to just stay in this and learn to knit. Any supporters?

The following links really spoke to me about this subject:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505125_162-28248392/what-it-means-to-be-passionate-about-something/

     
http://www.ted.com/talks/dave_eggers_makes_his_ted_prize_wish_once_upon_a_school.html

     

http://www.ted.com/talks/eddi_reader_sings_about_what_you_ve_got.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/jeremy_gilley_one_day_of_peace.html

     

Cheaper by the Dozen

     My latest assignment for EDUC 578 was to Google my name, post the resulting search page, and reflect upon the experience. Well. 

     I had not participated before in this exploratory act of self-curation. Investigating myself online and beginning to have an awareness of the virtual museum exhibit that is Stephanie Barnes. Or maybe Stephanie Cameron. Wait, the hyphenate version! Stephanie Cameron-Barnes. The initial bump in the road was that there are too many nominal versions of me, and none of my names are particularly unique. Hence, the (at least) dozen internet Stephanies. I admit to a fleeting pang of disappointment at the lack of even one item that was actually me. The pang was quickly replaced by a mental exhale of relief. Frankly, I felt super creepy stalking myself online.
     As I perused the list of other Stephanies, I reverted to pathetically vain inner commentary - "Good Lord! She is unfortunately faced! I hope no one thinks that's me!*". After continuing in that manner for longer than I care to admit, I had another arrogant thought - "These people aren't terribly interesting or accomplished. Why are they featured here and I am not?". And that led to the intellectual conundrum.
      1: These Stephanies are probably really great people, but being reduced to a LinkedIn blurb is not doing them any favors.
      2: I am an interesting and minimally accomplished person, if I were listed here, too,  people I don't know could find me and make vain judgmental comments of their own.
      3: I cheated and began googling members of my book group, educators I work with, even my sister. They were all there. 
     # 3 trumped the other two. Searching for my online self amidst the truckload of same-named others and finding no one was a little depressing. Here was a clear representation of my Visitor status. Having spent the last few weeks learning that who I am in the wide world of technology is essential to who I am professionally only to discover that who I am is a bevy of not-me's was an unhappy, though unsurprising find. As I continue to warily explore this new space, maybe a few of my steps forward will begin to leave a mark. 
*There was one young, seductive actress Stephanie, but I don't really think anyone will mistake her for me.
     
     

Looking for Margins In All the Wrong Places

Day One     Pause button. Where in hell is the Pause button! Seth Godin is preaching to me about unlocking my amazing leadership potential but I need to hit the Pause button and get a grip on the piece of cardboard that is standing in for my son's moonroof and is about to blow off on the freeway and cause a multi-vehicle accident and WHERE IS THE PAUSE BUTTON?

Day Three   I am listening intently to Mr. Godin discuss his ideas on marketing - change, risk, 1,000 tribe members - uh-oh, siren. Barking Ellie, keening Sam. Pause button! I have lost my place and the brilliant Mr. G has moved on without me. Backing up with iTunes' handy little dot doesn't work well. I've gone too far back. Oops, too far forward. And...not forward enough.

Day Three   Wait. Wait, wait. That was great, I want to write that down. Unwise while driving, and I have just missed the third quote today that I would have underlined and jotted notes about in the margins.

I want to affirm Seth Godin. I want to inch toward tribe member status by having a one-sided praise fest in the margins of a bendable, markable, actual, book. Here is where I'd inscribe three asterisks and an exclamation point, here a small "well said!" with an arrow twisting toward a particular phrase. And there's the quote that I'd underline and write a couple of names next to, of people who I'd send the quote to later.

I'd like to bring my marked up copy to the car wash, where I could squeeze in the end of the next chapter, and maybe recommend it to the person waiting next to me. All the while, singing the praises of Seth Godin, who actually made a book about marketing palatable to this reluctant audience of one. "love that! totally agree" my grammatically incorrect margins exclaim! Unfortunately, that is not to be.

I've tweeted a quote, but I had to come home, Google "Seth Godin quotes Tribes", search four pages of other peoples' favorites, and make do tweeting one that wasn't my favorite, because my favorite floated out the window somewhere on the 15 South.

Tribes is a really interesting book. I loved much of what he said about leadership and I would probably read more by Seth Godin in print. In fact I did seek out his blog and become a member of his website, Squidoo at http://www.squidoo.com/. But, please, no more audiobooks, unless they are narrated by Jeremy Irons and require nothing of me but rapt attention and subconscious asides as I wriggle my toes in the sand and pour a mojito. No Pause button necessary.

...and now a note about the book

     After Senator Ted Kennedy died, there were a multitude of tributes to him and his career in the Senate. One special memorialized him with interviews of many members of Congress from both sides of the aisle. I wish I could recall who made this statement (and I'm paraphrasing here), but it was something like, "The reason Ted was such an effective leader was because he didn't want praise. If something passed he'd be the one saying it was because of everyone else's efforts, and if it failed, he'd take all the blame."

     I was reminded of that several times when Seth Godin talked about leadership. He spoke of doing what you love because you love it, not for the recognition it garners. He addressed the sting of criticism, but turned that on its head by looking at the critics as a few more people who are paying attention. He spoke repeatedly of inspiration.

     My personal philosophy about effective leadership is based heavily on inspiration, affirmation,and power. Inspire people, praise them, give them power to create change. And take the blame when failures happen, it frees them to go higher next time. 

       


My Storify on Mr. Godin